so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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