this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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