I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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