i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
