I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize