theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
