You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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