"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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