yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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