i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
