so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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