I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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