Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
