i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
