My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
FUCK WHALES
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
