So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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