Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
