Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize