ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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