you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
