I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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