Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We need to rekindle our bromance
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize