wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
