I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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