I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
