Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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