i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
