I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
