She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
