We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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