Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
