My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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