Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
