wrigley field is MILF paradise
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
A bitchslap is in order.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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