When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We got so high we made milksteak
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
nutella sex= disaster
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
