I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
