It's like God shit irony all over that family
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
