I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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