Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
