apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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