when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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