Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
