Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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