You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
