Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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