i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
