she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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