Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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