God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
