you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
