Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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