Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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