i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
