Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this will be a night to untag.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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