He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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